homeward bound and stuck in a stasis

Château de Chenonceau O M e
nicked from here

It’s quite strange being home. Or should I say, it’s quite strange being almost home.
Home, for me, is a sense, a feeling, rather than a place. A person can feel like home, a smell, a piece of clothing, a website – god forbid. And of course, a place.

And while i feel the most at home than I’ve felt in the last 6 months, I’m still a little bit out there. I’m living with my folks, who are fantastic, I’ve got a whole exciting life to start again and if I’m honest, the whole blank canvas-ness of it all is a little daunting. And, add that to the mix, I’m missing some really strange things from my time overseas (otherwise known as my friends.. ha!).

When i first arrived in London, it took me bloody ages to get used to standing on the right of the escalators. I’ve never stood to the right for anything! Now, I get to go back to what is supposed to be comfortable and it just feels weird. Not to mention they’re so slow here, especially compared to Oxford Circus at 7pm!

I’m missing the silence that comes from being in a country in which you don’t speak the native language. When i was in Europe I spent a lot of time thinking, listening and focusing on my own stuff. Now that i’m back and emersed in my native language, and even an accent i’m familiar with, i feel somewhat exposed and ‘on’. Like I don’t take the time to think, ponder or float anymore. I miss it.

And obviously, I miss the people who I became close to and spent time with. I’m laughing at in jokes when I’m the only one in on it, and i can’t even ring them and go… ‘Oi duneven loik ya!’, or ‘Fancy fancy club’ (see, they’re stupid if you don’t get ’em).

The other day I realised that in missing home, I also developed selective memory. I forgot how shit public transport is outside the 8 streets of the Melbourne CBD, thanks to the privatisation of the public transport system by Jeff a few years ago – I had a rude awakening when I missed a bus and had to wait 2 hours for the next one, two days in a row. And I’m also being reintroduced to the particular brand of Aussie bogan that I had wiped from my memory. I know that England had ’em and I’m sure all the countries I visited in Europe have their versions too, but for 6 months I haven’t had to deal with them and I’ve got a cringe factor happening right now.

However, the things I am enjoying (and looking forward to) are being back with my family, seeing my best friend again (and living in the same state as them for the first time since I was 17!). Melbourne city still does rock and I’m enjoying discovering little places that I never had the chance to in the past – like the french galette/creperie in Scott Arcade, or rememembering how good mag nation is (Oehmchen, I’m sending you sneaker freaker!)

And I’m looking forward to re-discovering Fitzroy, South Melbourne, North Melbourne and St Kilda as an adult. I’ve got a list of 5 good places to get espresso and I plan on getting to the markets on a regular basis to get my fill of singing italian provedori. Plus I get to look for a place to live wherever the fuck I want (funds permitting, and all that)! I don’t think I’ve ever felt this way about a place (or my life) before and it is exciting and extremely fucking odd, all at once.

And despite being terrified by the world of career possibilities, I’m looking forward to where it will all take me. I’ve got the possibility to take up some crazy opportunities that I never would have thought possible and I get to make some really great decisions about where my artwork and my regular employment work will take me. I’ve currently got my eggs in all kinds of baskets and waiting to see which one cracks first.

I do have to figure out what it is I really want soon (what a fun game that is!), but for now, I think I’m almost enjoying being a little open to the wind and a little indecisive. You know, kind of getting into pondering the big questions like ‘should I get a “get-me-through-the-week” job and focus on my art career?’ or ‘should i completely change careers and go into an industry that i want to make a difference in’ or the big ones ‘am i good at what I want to do’, or ‘am i good at what I do?’.

Fun, hey!

thanks for subscribing to she sees red by lauren brown. xx

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